im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
