Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My bed smells like the plague
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
