sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
