coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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