Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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