i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm getting married
To pizza
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
