i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Holy sore nipples Batman
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
