I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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