i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize