Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
