just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
