I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
