Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
