I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
