4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
