then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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