CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
