Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
