I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
