Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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