I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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