Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
