I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
