I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
