would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
