Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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