My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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