Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
