I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
