The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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