you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize