And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
