my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
