Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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