Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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