I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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