Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I need to sanitize my soul.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
