So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
