That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I want to fling myself into the sun
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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