the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
