He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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