I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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