Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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