I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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