Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize