If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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