i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Randomize
