I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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