That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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