Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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