I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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