cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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