im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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