Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
