her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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