Don't make out with my wife yet
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
