cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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