I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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