i think i have two assholes
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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