yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
